Ontology 101: Who is it that knows/feels/senses? or What am I?


I am going to ask you a simple “Yes” or “No” question.

I don’t want to you think about the answer, but think the answer that first jumps into your mind.

It is more likely to be the truth, than if you cogitate/dwell on it.

Do you love yourself, and all that you are, unconditionally?

Go to a mirror, and look deep into your young, depressed, angry, confused, or psychmed-damaged eyes, and look really long.

I love myself, because of the tiny star I birthed in the core/heart/center of my Being illuminates my inner world, like a star in a solar system.

I gained this chakra-light and gentleness, through uncountable hours of meditation before my 26th birthday.

That means, I love who I am, regardless of whether or not I am thin, or heavy. You can not thin-shame me, or fat-shame, someone who truly accepts who they are, and has created a supernova shockwave of inner and outer Internal Energy.

Back in 2012 or 2013, I took this selfie in my living room. Since then, I felt the presences and sensed the thoughts of people stalking my blogs, amazon and yelp reviews, my Facebook, Twitter and other medias like Youtube.

Because of you, sending your mentally sick mental energy and your hatred of my accomplishment of beating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Schizophrenia and Manic Depression, I have become spiritually inundated with your evil. And converted your toxic hate energy, into dark energy, for me to use against you, without even seeing you, but by sensing your thoughts.

Try not to steal my images again, perverts


Posted in activism, advocacy, American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, Energy Arts, Tai Chi: The Supreme Ultimate | Tagged , , , , ,

Ontology for Beginners: How to Reality Check Your Existence

When I studied with Peter Ralson in the late ’90s, he introduced me to an idea that I had never heard of before: Ontology, the study of Being. He recommended learning and internalizing ontological concepts by developing and using your sensing/feeling/awareness to determine what is really real.

It turned out, I already had a basic grasp of ontology, from an early age.

Debunking Santa Claus

My parents taught me as a child, that on Christmas Eve, a jolly fat man in a red and white suit, landed on our roof with a magical sleigh and flying reindeer.

From there, he morphed into a skinny guy, slide down the chimney, and emerged from the fireplace, re-morphed into a jolly fat man, bearing a satchel filled with gifts and presents and stocking stuffers.


Then, he ate some cookies, and milk. Checked his list of who was naughty and nice, and bestowed gifts under a Christmas Tree, and then, departed the way he came. His enormous, presents-filled sack, was also effected by his Santa Enchantment Magic. Then he mounted his sleigh, and flew off to the next house on his rounds.

I loved Santa Claus. So much so, that one day, around the age of eight, maybe nine, I decided that I had to see him, with my own eyes, even if just a peek through the crack in my door.

So, using a flashlight, I hid under my covers and forced myself to stay awake all Christmas Eve, reading books.

Then, I heard him! Or something. Movement, in the house. Thumps and sounds.

“He is here!” I thought jubilantly.

I crept out of bed stealthily, and cracked my bedroom door to, at long last, catch a glimpse of the Magic Man Himself.

I found my parents dragging out presents from their bedroom where they had squirreled them away and wrapped them behind closed doors the evenings prior.

Total shock and instant sense of betrayal. I closed my door, and cried.

There was never any Santa Claus of Magic, and my parents thought I was so stupid, I would just go on believing this.

That was my first ontological experiment.

Debunking The Bible and Christianity

I separated Real from False, Imagination, from Actuality, Fantasy, fiction and fact. Delusion and Ontological Reality.

I rid myself of a fantastical delusion my poor naive and innocent child-brain had absorbed and been programmed with, into my developing neuron-web of brain cells and dendrites and axons and gluons.

I unlearned, what I had learned, and my brain neuron web was corrected, free of my delusional thinking.

From there, I wondered, (reasonably) what else my parents were teaching and programming into me, that did not actually check out, when you tested the facts.

The Bible has The Seven Deadly Sins, The Ten Commandments, and Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You.

Yet, my parents, siblings, teachers, school peers, psychiatrists and psych-ia-trick nurses all demonstrated a failure to understand simple Bible precepts, like, God loves us all. We are all perfect in the Eyes of God.

So why poison my pubescent and developing brain, organs, glands, hormones, and central nervous system with an early death-sentence assured by a diagnosis of Manic Depression, controlled by neuro-toxic litihum and Trilafondle, unless they didn’t actually believe in The Golden Mean, and concepts like: We are perfect, children of God, made perfect, in His Own Image.


Something didn’t add up.

So the next ontological experiment I performed, was to reality-check God, The Bible, my priests and parents and my Catholic Catechism Doctrination.

The Bible contains an Ancient Formula for instantly summoning The Fallen Angel, Lucifer (which means Lightbringer, Dawnstar, Morning Star, and Enlightener):

“The Devil Always Comes When You Call”

(Trilafondle=Trilafon=Try La Fon=Try The Phone)

After I killed myself in my closet in my cell at State-run and taxpayer-funded Tobey School on Concord State Hospital grounds, I was reborn, and reawakened.

The next day, I decided to do the unthinkable: Call Satan personally.

Using my witchcraft knowledge I gained after declaring atheism to my parents at the dinner table and their prompt ritual exorcism on me for my heresy, I placed my call.

At around midnight, I got up, and drew a large pentagram on the floor of my cell, and after completing the pentagram, I drew a circle around it.

Then, I scratched my wrist against the rough edges of my prison bed, to bleed.

Then, I dripped this blood onto the floor of my magic circle

Then, I sat in the center of my Pentagram, and prayed to Lucifer to possess me.

According to the Bible, the summons would absolutely work, instantly.

Two months later, I was out of my State Psychiatric Cell, and in a Foster Home.

I continued to develop my spiritual and occult abilities.

Debunking American Psychiatry and Grohol and Jamison’s Modern Mengele Medicine

At age twenty-five, after a three week intensive self-retreat, I performed another ritual that I discussed in my previous post, The Three Passes, after meticulously weaving a shadow-web of dark energy all throughout my Being to prevent demonic spirits or dead souls from moving around in me, undetected.

It turned out, I was never possessed by spirits, ghosts, demons, or Satan/Lucifer.

The devil and the priest can’t exist if one goes away. The Force of the Devil is what we are all told to fear. Watch out for religion when he (the priest) gets too near. – Black Sabbath, “Born Again”

I also, birthed a Star of Light in my Heart Chakra which illuminated my Being from within, and in all humility, with my long curly hair and pale features combined with my slow starvation, I looked in the mirror, and saw a Being who looked like a Botticelli Angel of Heaven.

I was healed. I had total self-love. And I knew, I was immune from The Four Sicknesses of Man, described by Buddha.

The Four Sicknesses of Man, the suffering that keeps people from being Enlightened, is the same suffering that has been broken down into a Nosological Diagnostic Protocol, called the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for psychologists and psychiatrists).

The treatment for mental and emotional suffering is to be first, diagnosed with an incurable genetic chemical imbalance, and then, to be medicated for life with drugs like Zooloft, kidney-and-thyroid-hurting lithium, twitch-causing Lamictal, and brain and CNS damaging Trilafondle.

My Ontological Exploration and Discovery, cured me of the God Delusion, and Psychiatry, in one smooth movement.

If you follow the Biblical procedure that auto-summons Lucifer into your life, and it doesn’t work, that means Satan isn’t real. If Satan isn’t real, it means God can’t be real.

Likewise, if you violate your diagnosis and treatment plan, quit taking your medications prescribed by your psychiatrist, and use meditation like Buddha did, to uncover, and then heal yourself, of the Four Sickness of Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Suffering, it means…

Psychiatry is fake bullshit.




How to get a fake scientific mental illness diagnosis and get put on mind-heart-body dis-integrating medicine, for life



How to pass any psych exam:


remember, Bellevue Hospital pulled the funding for their experimental Tai Chi Chuan program, after clinically observing that both patients and nursing staff felt improved mood and thought function practicing tai chi – in favor of using overlapping toxic psychiatric medicine.

Meaning what? Bellevue Hospital and Concord State Hospital, are not in the business of healing you, at all. It is totally transparent and obvious to anyone without a psych med-damaged brain, or who does not constantly live in a dissociative fugue state of total cognitive dissonance, twenty-four seven.

Posted in American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, Catholicism, New England Journal of Medicine, psychiatry, psychology | Tagged , , , , , , ,

The Three Treasures: mind, heart, body

Here is a semi-rhetorical question:

Which energy center in my Being is the most important to focus on developing?

The first energy system I ever learned about, was in a book on Kundulini Yoga my Aunt passed on to me, when I was thirteen. She never bothered to do the work, but preferred flower essences. She was very Protestant, and had an ingrained, brain-programmed compulsion to obey The Bible – which means, no Enlightenment but God, and absolutely no witchcraft or healing or divination – because those trainings or abilities either summon or are inspired by, or come from, Satan.

There are ways to reality-check those proscriptions, to see if Satan does in fact give you healing powers, occult insight, mutant powers, or if Satan is even real, by asking to be possessed by Satan in order to gain powers to overcome your oppressors, which I did, after an attempted suicide in my closet in my cell at a State Psychiatric Facility when I was fifteen.

According to The Bible, Satan always comes when you call/pray/summon.

Try-la-fon :)

I actually died in State’s Custody while being told to accept being bipolar for life and take Trilafondle and Lithium forever. and, what I am now, is what replaced me after my summoning ritual in a pentagram on the floor of my cell at Toby School, Concord State Hospital.

I knew that spirits were real, for sure, after I had been on Trilafon for awhile and heard voices from the Spirit World, as my central nervous system was slowly dying and my brain cells were bathed in nailpolish/turpentine vapors. When I called out to my mother to save me, a phantom coil wrapped around my neck, constricted slightly, and held me for awhile, then released me.

Now, I will explain The Three Treasures, and why all three are important for well-being.

As I tried to unravel which energy center would be most valuable to developing psychic abilities to detect when people were intending on hurting me, I gained different advice from people whom I had asked.

At age thirteen, I knew from Kundulini Yoga about the Shushumna, or spiraling energy channels that flow up and down your body core.

At age fourteen, I knew about the “Hara”, an area from the size of a pea to the size of a softball that occupies your pelvic area. From meditating below your belly, we get the disparaging term, “navel gazing”.

In traditional Japanese and Okinawan Karate-Do, the Hara is a place of power for extra juice for fighting, and for meditating before or after combat engagements, like Samauri Master Swordsman, Miyamoto Mushashi described in his book, “The Book of Five Rings”.

By age fifteen, I knew from Wicca, that you should use your mind or heart energy to cast spells with intentional energy.

I also, around that time, asked my Foster Father, a former military man and pro boxer, what the most important energy center was.

He pointed to his head, and said, “The mind is the most powerful to overcome anything”.

I asked my Aunt the same thing. Her answer? “Just focus on the heart. The heart center is the most important thing anyone can develop.”

I read Berkeley Psychic Institute manuals on Energy Work, Aura Fields, Astral Projection and the like, and most of those manuals, along with nearly every book I ever bought on growing psychic abilities, states that after grounding yourself, focus on the Brain Chakras. Some of those manuals gave specific instructions on creating, visualizing, or intending, various energy shapes and symbols to open your Third Eye and other psi, and I followed those instructions carefully.

When I was at Bennington School Residential Facility for emotionally and psychologically challenged teens, I studied Reiki, Shiatsu, and Traditional Chinese Medicine while all the other residents took psychiatric medications (sometimes with disastrous consequences as I detailed in my memoir).

For Reiki and Shiatsu, they recommended working with the heart center.

Then, when I took up self-teaching myself the Chen Man Ching tai chi chuan form from Lawrence Gallante’s book, “Tai Chi The Supreme Ultimate”, and Kissomaru Ueshiba’s “Aikido”, I learned, again, that a martial artist’s physical and spiritual power is trained by focusing on the hara/lower dantien/pelvic chakras.

What I did was, work on all three.

When I again took up Zen and Aikido (in classes in Hampton), I would train my lower energy center.

After moving to California, I devoted myself to Bruce Frantzis’s Energy Arts programs, and bought and read all his stuff, went to seminars, weekend workshops and a couple retreats.

The training I received from him, was simply, “work on all three” and he explained Taoist Three Dantien Energy Pulse Diagnosis. If you can truly feel chi-energy, you monitor your inner world, and listen, carefully, and attentively, to your Upper, Middle, and Lower dantien, and tune in, and get a sense/feel/knowing how your mental energy, your emotional energy and physical energy is doing, realtime.

That was all I needed to hear, to settle the issue with some certainty, and I did exactly as he directed: go inside my inner world, find my dantiens and energy meridians/channels/rivers (pana and apana spiral energy body) and find out how they actually work.

After the first year or two, my depression was totally gone like it had never been an incurable genetic chemical imbalance in the first place. Two years later, I told him personally, about my success at a Water Method Meditation retreat, and he shook my hand and asked me to share my testimonial with the other attendees.

A year later, I was cured of all mental illness and I gained self-love, as I went into an intense, self-imposed weeks long retreat, to settle the issue once and for all if I was truly possessed by some alien/demonic/elemental spirit or spirits.

I made multiple passes.

One all the way from head, to bowel.

One, from bowel, to head.

Then, I slowly split my energy sphere above my head, like cellular mitosis, into two separate spheres, folded my internal world, and jumped one of the spheres below my etheric body, below the ground.

Then, simultaneously, I slowly (very very slowly) expanded both spheres, and brought them, one up, one down, my central body, together.

I brought fire/Yang energy from the ground, up.

I dragged water/Yin energy from above, down.

When the two waves collided in my heart center/chakra/dantien, I felt in internal cosmic explosion/implosion, and a tiny star ignited in the center of my Being.

I felt like my life force had been instantly recharged and I totally loved who I saw in the mirror the next day, and every day since that day in 2000.

The answer, in case you missed it, to the question, “which Treasure/Chakra/Dantien is the most important”, is,

all Three.

It turned out, I was never possessed by Satan, or evil spirits, or any of that noise, at all. All I found inside me, after weaving a micro web of chi strands through my arms and legs, in the aura around my body, and through all my major energy channels, combined with The Three Passes,

was me. :)

ps. That means Mike, the manager at Energy Arts’s office, owes me a sincere, personal apology, immediately.



Posted in meditation, mental health, mental illness, mind and body, mindfulness | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Introducing “Glaring Madness” a bipolar blog by a Lam-Tic!-tal user


I always wanted to be a bipolar lamictal user for life when I grew up. Open a blog, and insult people. Rather than, I don’t know, learn meditation and cure myself of my chemical imbalance like Jane did while inpatient. Huh. Why didn’t I think of that?

a few gems from this individuals’s contribution to society.




Folks, psych meds will mess you up and screw around with your soups and sparks in ways that make you, frankly, stupid. While impairing your judgement and situational awareness. I covered this in my book. Get with the program,  people. By that I mean, take more meds of course! For your chemical imbalances that you never bothered to get tested at a laboratory for.

Posted in activism, advocacy, AMA, APA, Glaring Madness, ocean beach internal martial arts association | Tagged , , , , , , , ,

The Feng-style 24X Yilu

in two parts. in time, I will get better with making these videos. No wonder some teachers and masters use camera crews.

Posted in Feng-style taijiquan, Hunyuan Taiji, Tai Chi: The Supreme Ultimate | Tagged , ,

The Hong Method, demonstrated

a partial demonstration

Posted in tai chi chuan, Internal Martial Arts, Neijia, Neigong, Neidan, Internal Power | Tagged , ,

Taoist Canon: Don’t Do Anything You Don’t Have To

The simplest, easiest Taoist advice ever imagined:

“Don’t do things you don’t have to do.”

Seems easy right? Not that easy apparently, for some.

Allow me to share some insights on this ‘Verse I have absorbed during my time here.

If you wake up in the morning and read The New York Times, and then get upset at something you read? You just caused yourself unnecessary stress, right? Had you not read that article, you would not now be upset, would you? Nobody forced you to read something stressful and start off your day upset, yes?

Then you register in order to comment, purely because you saw some comments in the comments section, under an anonymous handle, and flame away to vent your anger at someone who was wrong on the internet, according to you and your ego. Congratulations on causing yourself even more easily avoidable elevated stress hormones. Nice going.

You just broke the easiest of simple measures to avoid causing stress for yourself (and others), in favor of getting upset over something which, to be frank, really does not matter across the grand cosmic scope of things. That’s pretty stupid, actually.

You are now on the Path to being a troll, for no really excusable reason on a therapist’s couch. How did trolling and flaming, diminish your stress, while simultaneously leaving a digital wake that betrays the fact that you are essentially, stirring up trouble, for no reason other than your own gratification. That’s pretty infantile.

Let’s take this one step further, shall we? Now what if, instead of taking a break after trolling for an hour or two, you recruit more friends to help you troll harder, for that victorious sense of crushing someone else on the internet battlefield, Enlightened you are Not.

Far from it.

Now imagine, the next day, you go back to that same article, and find that the woman you were arguing with, left some smart rebukes for you. Well! Can’t have that! She didn’t learn the first time and now it is time to Get Serious on her. So you start stalking her on social media under alias accounts, purely to keep attacking and scoring yourself points.

Enlightened, you are not.

And you keep violating the Simplest Wisdom, “Don’t do things you don’t have to do,” left unsaid is: “that stresses me or others out”. Right?


Then she recruits some of her friends to help her, and after even more snarky or biting comments from her, that’s it. She has to die.


Why can’t you let it go and walk away? Why do you have to keep attacking, over something you never even had to read or get upset about in the first place?

The Tao Te Ching was written by a wise, cynical, but truly Enlightened person (or persons goes some theories). Lao Tse even says in another ‘Verse in the book,

“It’s so easy, yet few ever get it.”

Posted in APA, easy self-psychotherapy, Lao Tse, psychiatry, Tao Te Ching, Taoism | Tagged , , , , ,

Feng taiiji demo

I never tire of watching Master Feng

Tai chi chuan, (taijiquan), was clinically proven to help patients and staff alike, in an experimental pilot program at Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital.

Funding was pulled soon after.

They continue to offer Zooloft, kidney-killing lithium, Thorazoned Shuffle, Trilafondling me against my will.

Prozac caused female suicides and that data was suppressed by Eli Lily.

Zyprexa and Haldol both were shown to hurt the brains of lab monkeys.

Primates, who, like me, were, and always will be, unable to bullshit themselves that the feeling of their CNS dying…

is medicinal.

Posted in activism, advocacy, AMA, APA, art, New England Journal of Medicine | Tagged , , , , ,

There is still no such thing as a bipolar child, and I can prove it

Dr. Biederman. Retire. At once. Along with Kay Redfield Jamison, and John Grohol. You three have dedicated your lives to harming innocent children and naive or uninformed women.

You are not medicine practitioners, you are evil. True evil. True medicine and healing works, like having a 2×4 or a bullet removed from a limb in trauma surgery. That. Is good medicine.

Preventative medicine, like doing mindfulness breathing, helps mitigate mental, emotional, and physical problems.

Bellevue Hospital canceled their experimental Tai Chi Chuan program, after discovering clinically, that it worked well for patients and staff, alike.

They continue to use brain neuron hyper electric shock trauma, and industrial chemical-tasting, and smelling chemicals which amount to having a liquid dissolvent solvent, permeate and mutate your precious growing brain, limbic system, internal organs and glands, in what amounts to a gland-damaged, brain-damaged, cns-impaired individual, whom according to various reports, is on their way to losing ten to twenty years off their lives.

So Big Pharma can get richer, and you all can enjoy stock options, free lunches and other perks, paid speaking engagements, time on Oprah or Charlie Rose or get articles published replete with weasel words, like, “Gene #194328375GATTACA may, or may not, possibly, might be, could be, potentially be, responsible for Bipolar Disorder, or Schizophrenia, which of course, as we know from having decoded the Human Genome, is totally genetic and completely incurable.”

Yeah. Right. Please, try to con the public harder with fake science, weasel words, and blowing your entire College Statistics Course which taught you proper methodology for correct statistics, by just making up whatever statistics sound good at the time, right out of the playbook, “How To Lie With Statistics”

Poor Gabriel over at Salted Lithium NEEDED to accept his sentence for lithium-for-life by any cognitive dissociation necessary. When I rattled his confidence in his pro-Lithium lifestyle blogging, he quite literally dug up a study which allegedly proved Lithium has protective effects on the brain, that prevent worsening manic depression.

What utter nonsense.

I was only fourteen when Jamison’s Modern Mengele Medicine hurt me with protective lithium that was anything but protective, but gravely injurious, to me.

Unlike adults these days, I was, as a teenager, utterly unable to bullshit myself that lithium was helping me, no matter how much my eyeballs jiggled like a muppet, my jaw vibrated, and my toes curled every single time I needed to pee.

Posted in activism, advocacy, AMA, APA, Harvard Psychiatric, John Hopkins University, New England Journal of Medicine | Tagged , , , , ,

Crabs in the Bucket, a message for the naysayers

I remember talking to a friend of mine who encouraged me to write a book about my journey from fear, anger, and depression, to happiness after I had a fairly rough start to my life.

He said, “That’s a great idea. But who will read it? Nobody knows you,”

He was right, of course, and there was Youtube!

I opened an account, primarily to discuss problems in Social Work, Group Homes, Mental Hospitals, Public Education, and psychiatry in general. As well as to talk about meditation, alternative healing, tai chi chuan (taiji), child abuse advocacy, and other topics.

I built up a subscriber base, until I had one thousand subscribers. Then I started to write my book.

During the process of writing my book, and making videos discussing using meditation to deal with symptoms of all kinds of mental disorders such as, ADHD, Bipolar, PTSD, and schizophrenia. I received feedback.

More than a few people who commented were not very happy to hear me rail in anger and disgust about how horrible and anti-healing lithium and antipsychotics were for me, and how happy I was “maintaining” (to use pdoc-speak) using tai chi chuan.

Few could even grasp, that I wasn’t “maintaining” anything. I was changed. I did spiritual alchemy, and I became a person who was immune to depression, because I had a little light explode softly inside me, that illuminated my being from within.

A light of love. Acceptance. Surrender.

When I would tell people, over and over, on bipolar forums or amazon discussions, or youtube conversations, how many years I had been free of depression and mania, I would consistently get someone who, sooner or later, made comments like this,

“Well. You may feel fine now. But. Once bipolar, always bipolar. So, sooner or later, you are going to have a relapse. And it isn’t going to be pretty, because you refused to take your meds.”

This is called, The Bitter and Clueless Crabs in the Bucket mentality.

A fisherman places a bucket of caught crabs on the boat wharf. One or two crabs start to stand on the others and reach up and out of the bucket. Grasping the edge, they start to haul themselves out. Then, the crab underneath them, reaches up a claw, and grabs the escaping grab by one leg.

That is what so-called “bipolar people” think when they hear my story. Some of them anyway.

They think that way, because they have internalized biological psychiatry. Which is most unfortunate. For them.

I cured myself of depression by the time I was twenty-five. But I had been feeling better and better, and totally depression-free, within the first year of practicing either meditation, yoga, or tai chi chuan, daily. I didn’t self-diagnose myself “cured” until I had had three years of stability.

That was back between 1997-2000.

It is now 2015.

I have never relapsed. I remain depression free. I don’t get “mania”, and even if I somehow magically got either depression, or mania, I could,

A: Fake sanity. Fake not being depressed or manic, using mind-over-body training.

B: Heal myself, for real. All. Over. Again. Using the exact same methodology that worked the first time. Solitude. Relaxation. Zero stress. Followed by meditation, yoga, and tai chi chuan.

Within a few weeks, or months, I would stabilize. Again. And within a year, I would be largely okay.

The only reason that “bipolars” reached out to me, to tell me, I was doomed for a bipolar crash sooner or later for not taking my meds or for believing in the diagnosis of manic depression, is that they are utterly incapable of doing what I did, and they are bitter, jealous, and a little afraid. Afraid they are as doomed as my psychiatrist said I was, the summer of 1989.

It turned out, she was wrong. And so were all those bipolar crabs on the forums in the comments.

I can’t feel bad about that, at all.

Posted in advocacy, meditation, mental health, mental illness, mind and body, psychiatry, psychology, science, tai chi chuan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,